I blame God, or better, I blame her insistence that there is a God, churches make sense, and that I should be nice about it.
The first and most important piece of information is that: I am not nice.
I hate being nice. I gave up nice a long time ago; it was about the time I gave up pride and the belief that I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do that. I would do it, whatever it was; I would kick Meatloaf's ass.
I am not nice because I don't understand, it is also because I am intolerant, and I am arrogant. Nice is luxurious, just like her life with God. The people at the church are nice; I have met them. Her children saying little prayers are nice and it is very nice to hear about her time with them. She has shared all about her life, staying home, then working a little, mostly staying near our old home town, and her struggles with her weight and childcare and God. God is somehow involved in all of these daily trials. God cares. I don't.
The rot in the wound of this friendship is that I don't care and if I don't care, I can't understand why God would care. God hasn't cared about so many things. There was no God at the bottom. There was no God watching vicious savage days. There was no God alone in train stations, no God watching the poor wretched addicts, no God with that girl that was robbed and beaten.
I have been a lot of places. I have been in and out of love. I have been high and low. I have been to the top of the Eiffel Tower and the bottom of the gutter. I have been surrounded by friends and too alone with myself. I have been there when all the blood ran out. I have been there when eyes, so beautiful that my inside felt heavy, opened. I have been.
KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid. You can call it Occam's Razor if you feel intellectual. The simplest answer is most often correct.
The simple answer is not a mysterious supernatural being. The simple answer is not that we can't know the will of God. The simple answer is that there is no simple answer. The simple answer is that nothing is simple. Everything is complicated. Everywhere is complicated. It is all so complicated that you and I and my dog can't understand it. We can find pieces, we can know as much as can be known, but after that we don't know and that is complicated.
I can't believe her. I can't believe it. I can't believe God.
and I know why. I don't care.
2 comments:
I don't think its worth staying friends with people who don't like your world, or staying friends when you don't like their world. It seems wrong in a way but it's just too upsetting when they represent what you suffer under in everyone else. Just because you used to connect doesn't mean you always have to.
And god-botherers are especially icky.
I really like that this post is called, "42," for obvious reasons.
I forgot my towel.
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